Family Ties
by Therefore I Am A Pipsqueak
Summary: (Formerly Night Time Callers) According to Tony, having Ironman as your uncle is about as cool as it can get. To Hermione, its just a pain in the ass. But the again, the same could be said to having a witch as a niece. AU, one-shot series. mostly interconnected.
1. Night Time Callers

Don't worry

The sound of sniffing had Tony slowing down, his feet dragging as he peered curiously into the lounge over the rim of his hot chocolate mug.

It wasn't coming from the lounge though. The soft light shining through the large windows revealed nothing besides the plain old boring white couches and wood panelled floor. Hmmmhh he'd need to ask Pepper if they could remodel again, the lounge was starting to bore him again.

Tilting his head to the side curiously as the sniffing continued Tony sighed, coming to a stop in front of the hallway cupboard with more than a little annoyance. Honestly if people wanted to steal from him couldn't they at least try to be quite about it, Pepper would never let him get away with using his suit on a thief if said thief sounded like a baby rat dying in the gutters. She's give him a whole lecture on being a bully or something like that.

Taking one final gulp from the cup in his hands Tony straightened, brushing some invisible dirt off his coat as he gently set the mug down on one of the nearby tables. Mentally practising what he was pretty sure was a scary face in his head Tony grasped the handle to the hallway cupboard, throwing it open with a loud bang and internally sniggering when whoever was inside screamed.

He laughed a total of three seconds more before he was suddenly flying backwards. Crashing heavily into the wall opposite the cupboard Tony groaned as he slid downwards, photo frames and those small glass dolls Pepper liked to collect raining down around him as he slammed butt first into the mantle.

"Are you insane?! Don't sneak up on-oh god Uncle Tony I'm sorry! Are you ok?" Lifting his head up from where it laid on his chest Tony blinked. Then blinked again. And a third time for good measure before he shook his head and once again went back to staring at the unruly mass of light chocolate curls and worried brown eyes that stared at him from amongst a pile of coats.

"Twinkle toes, what are you doing here?" Tony asked after a few minutes of silence, waving off his nieces hand with a grunt as he moved to pull himself up from the wreckage that had once been the hallway mantle.

"Hiding in the hallway cupboard, what does it look like" came the dry reply from Hermione as she leaned back on her heels, her worry for her uncle momentarily subsided as she watched him pick himself up off the floor. Tony shook his head a few times before he turned to face his niece, his smart ass comment dying on the tip of his tongue as he noticed her red rimmed eyes and obvious lack of control over mucus glands as snot dripped down and over her bottom lip.

Heh well that explained the sniffing then, she'd been crying…

Tony's eyes narrowed as the full intent of his thoughts hit him.

She'd been crying.

She as in Hermione. Hermione Jane Granger had been crying. **HIS **_niece_ had been crying.

As far as Tony knew she'd never cried! Not even when she'd been six and had accidently knocked her two front teeth out during an accident with one of his inventions. If he remembered right it had been her mother who'd been doing the crying that day, blabbing and sobbing about how her poor baby was going to be alright and about how she was going to sue his ass off and make it into a coat. He was quite sure that during all this all Hermione had done was poke at the bleeding flesh with a professional curiosity, giggling like the little maniac she had been.

But apparently his niece did cry, if the way the tears had left her eyes red and crusty, as well as the trails of liquid running down her cheeks were anything to go by…

Well aright then, who did he have to maim …

"Hermione what's wrong? Are you ok?" Crouching down to his nieces level Tony grabbed her forearms, tightening his grip slightly when she tried to pull away, her eyes widening in horror and her bottom lip once again beginning to tremble.

"N-Nothing's wrong. 'S not illegal to drop by and visit family now is it?" Hermione asked giving him a watery smile as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, not even bothering to put it back in place when it bounced back a few seconds later.

"At twelve o'clock at night it should be" Tony stated dryly, "Especially if that includes hiding in your uncle's closet and nearly giving him a heart attack! I'm fragile Miss Granger! One wrong move and that could have killed me! Then who would be responsible for catching mice for Pepper huh?"

Hermione just smiled in response.

Ok scratch that previous comment, who did he have to kill.

Joking aside Tony laid his hand on Hermione's shoulder "Hermione Jane Granger, what's wrong?" Tony repeated again, watching in morbid fascination as his niece desperately tried to stop her face from crumbling, a laugh so false that it would put Barbie to shame causing him to wince when she tried to bluff him off.

"Why would something be wrong? Nothing's wrong. Everything's fine. Tippety top" She stated cheerfully, bringing her knees up to her chest and burying her head underneath her arms as she used her hair to hide her face.

"Ok well one- hiding in my cupboard in the middle of night could be a start and two- you Hermione have always been and will probably always be a terrible liar. So I repeat Hermione what's wrong?" He held up his hand as she opened her mouth to say something, his eyes narrowing into a glare as he continued. "And I swear to God twinkle toes, if the next words out of your mouth are 'I just wanted to visit family' I will string you up by your ears and call your mother to find out what's happened."

As expected Hermione blanched at the idea, her face paling quite drastically as she realised that he was quite serious with his threat. Emma Stark-ne-Granger was a force to be reckoned with, especially when it came to her daughter. Well appearing to be quite calm and professional with just the right air of mystery (psychotic intent according to Hermione and Tony) Emma Granger was one of the nicest people you could ever meet. Until you got on her bad side. And get on her bad side Tony had, on more than one occasion when they'd been growing up. Mixing blue hair dye in her shampoo? Three weeks of mysterious bed wetting incidents and wet hands. Hiding her Mill's and Boon's at thirteen? Being chased and locked out of the house by a raging Emma with a samurai sword whenever he'd been trying to shower. Accidently losing his three year old niece at a science convention? Err well no one really liked to talk about that day. Tony just thanked whoever was up there that his niece had been able to set off a bunch of fire sparklers to draw their attention.

Watching as the weight of his words sank in Tony grinned, already knowing he'd won there little argument by the way her face was starting to tick. Now he could get to the crux of the matter….

His smile dropped quite suddenly as Hermione launched herself at him, a slight oomph of pain escaping his lips as the sobbing fourteen year old all but practically choked him to death with the way she was wrapping her arms around him. Her legs wound themselves around his waist and squeezed, making him let out a slight cough as she tried to force the air from his lungs.

He didn't make one word of complaint though, just hesitantly wrapped his arms around her shoulders and rested his chin against the top of her head as he let her sob it out. She'd tell him what was wrong eventually, obviously that first bout of crying hadn't been enough to get it out of her system. Ha and here Pepper was saying he had the emotional range of a teaspoon! He'd show her!

When the crying eventually subsides Tony pulls back, offering Hermione a smile that she hesitantly returns with one of her own. He tucks the unruly strand of chocolate behind her ear and this time it stays, albeit sticking in the other direction, but it stays none the less.

"Now are you going to tell me or do I have tickle it out of you?" Tony mock threatens, his face freezing as Hermione seems to fold into herself, her arms wrapping tightly around her legs as she makes herself comfy on his lap.

"You're going to say I'm being stupid" She muttered, causing Tony to snort.

"Think it whenever you tinker with my inventions and somehow make them better? Yes. Say it out loud to your face when you're in clear emotional distress? Ahh niece dearest, not even I am that stupid." She gave a roll of her eyes and poked him in the arm, grinning innocently when he gave a dramatic yell of anger. Her face changed suddenly though and she dived underneath her arms again, giving a muffled response that sounded a lot like. "emmmeerr mansjdzbiin moot bubbles"

"I'm sorry dear, didn't quite catch that"

Hermione lifted her head up with a long suffering sigh.

"I said I'm having boy troubles" she muttered, her cheeks burning an ugly splotchy kind of red that apparently every generation of Stark inherited. Except him of course. Tony blinked in response to her mutter, his mouth opening then closing before he closed it and cleared his throat.

"Wouldn't…umh wouldn't your mother be a better choice for this kind of conversation?" The look his niece gave him at that was definitely not one a multimillionaire genius such as himself got given often. It was one of his famous, 'well-aren't-you-the-brightest-of-the-white-crayons' look.

…And his sister said he'd never taught her anything besides how to build a bomb!

"Yes Uncle Tony, because if you visit your mom with an issue you clearly don't want to speak about she will leave that issue alone. Not that it's worked though" she finished the last part under her breath, scowling down at the floor.

Well she'd apparently picked up on his sarcasm feature as well. Damn.

"Err ummh alright so you're having boy trouble… What kind?"

Hermione groaned, "Do we really have to have this conversation?!"  
"If it's the cause of you hiding in my hallway cupboard in the middle of the night crying and dressed like you've just come from some fancy dress then yes. Yes we do" Tony stated determinedly, gesturing to the periwinkle dress she was wearing with a slight frown. "Please tell me someone didn't grope you with all that skin you're showing…" Tony muttered, looking her up and down disapprovingly as Hermione stared at him with a dropped jaw.

"UNCLE" Hermione yelled in annoyance, her horror turning to laughter when Tony gave a muttered "I can see you ankles for crying out loud". Tony grinned as he watched his niece shake her head fondly, her eyes softening and her head falling against his chest with a sigh.

"Why do boys have to be so difficult" She murmured, glancing up at him through her eyelashes as he hmmmhhd in response.

"Pepper says it has something to do with us having the emotional range of a teaspoon" Tony supplied helpfully, causing her to sigh and tuck herself deeper under her chin.

"That sounds just about right. For this boy anyway. His names Ronald Weasley and he's the biggest prat I've ever known. I mean just because he couldn't work up the nerve to ask me to the dance before anyone else, doesn't give him the right to bloody well throw a tantrum when I inform him that I'm going with someone else. And I told him as much, I mean he didn't need to be such an ass about it. And what did he do? WHAT DID HE DO? He told me I was, I kid you not, 'fraternising with the enemy'. The Enemy?! The funny thing though was that not two seconds before they found out who I was going with he all but practically worshipped the ground the guy walked on. Does that make any sense to you? One minute you're worshipping the ground he's walking on and the next he's the enemy. I mean I would get it if the bloody git liked me or something, but I know for a fact- got it on good authority too- that the idiot doesn't even think of me as a girl! Cause y'know it's not as if I'm a girl or anything. I mean how-HOW am I not a girl Uncle Tony?!"  
"Erhhh" For once in his life Tony followed the wiser root and kept his mouth firmly shut as he cautiously inched back from his raging niece, making sure there was nothing in throwing distance if she decided to take up target practise. Namely at his head.

Seemed the anger was just about setting in now.

"THAT wasn't even the worst of it though. Oh no. The idiot just had to go and try and pull the whole. 'I'm only trying to protect you because you don't know what's best for you'. 'He's too old Hermione, he's using you'. I wanted to slap him!"

Tony audibly winced at that. Some bloke had tried that on Emma once, and she'd nearly broken his collar bone before she'd finished with him. It was times like these, when he heard stories like this that he was exceptionally glad Hermione took after her father and not his sister. If she had she would have probably broken something and ruined his role as the scary cool uncle. Cause REALLY there was no cooler uncle then Iron Man.

"And Harry was no bloody help. He just stood there gaping at the two of us like some soap opera until him and Ron buggered upstairs. No 'Ignore Ron Hermione he's and idiot' or 'Gee Hermione you look lovely' just 'Girls they get scarier as they get older'"

She was shaking in anger now, her fists clenched tightly as she batted angrily at her eyes.

"I then stormed off after that and activated that Portal thing you gave me last Christmas"

"Ahhh so that's why you were hiding in cupboard and visiting your old uncle." Though his tone was mocking Hermione could hear the confusion in his voice, his genius mind probably racing at a mile a minute as he tried to figure out just how the hell she'd managed to get that little invention of his working. Though he'd argue she'd known perfectly well that when he'd given it to her last Christmas the' Portal device' had been nothing more than a glorified coffee cup holder. After a bit of tinkering from her though (with a combination of runes to ward it against magic) she'd managed to get it working a mere two months after having been given it. Not that she was going to tell him though, watching him mentally give himself a headache over something so simple was just too much fun.

Another moment of silence passes again before Hermione speaks.

"Well?"

Tony blinks as he's startled from his thoughts, blinking sluggishly as he looks at his niece's expectant face.

"Well what?"  
"Isn't this we're you give the whole, 'all boys are assholes and their only mean to you because they like you' spiel?" Hermione stated matter of factly. Tony snorted.

"Twinkle toes, whoever told you that has been feeding you the biggest amount of bullshit I've ever heard"

"it's how mom said dad and her first met. He pushed her into the pond at their primary school. Dad jokes it was love at first spit" Hermione mimed the action of spitting out water, her eyes going comically large as she pretended to flail around a duck pond. Tony just stared at her in horror.

"…Like I said the biggest amount of bullshit I've ever heard. You mom and dad were a special case, I don't think I even need to point out how special. But honestly Hermione, if you want my option, if he couldn't even work out the balls to ask you to a dance let alone resect your options and wishes concerning the matter then he really isn't worth it. If a man can't respect your choices and then treats you like dirt about them then he really isn't a man at all" Tony paused. "Your mom doesn't really call boys assholes though does she?"

"No Uncle Tony she doesn't. It's just you" Hermione laughed at her uncle's affronted expression before she reached up and placed a kiss on his cheek. "But thanks. And I really mean it. Even though it wasn't the most inspiring pep talk it helped. So thanks again" And with that said Hermione stood up, dusting the top of her skirt off. "Well then I need to be off. Don't want to give Lavender and Parvarti anymore material for the rumour mill" She muttered, helping her uncle to his feet and giving him one last hug before she disappeared into the hallway cupboard again and left in a flare of blue light.

As Tony put his mug in the sink he frowned, pulling his phone out his pocket as he unconsciously rubbed at the place his niece had kissed him on the cheek.

"Hey Thor? It's Tony. Now listen…about that favour you owed me…"

….

When Ronald Weasley was found a month after Hermione and Tony's conversation, with a broken nose and no memory besides a flash of gold and red, it was written off as a broom accident. Even though there was no sign of any broom and the redhead swore on his mother grave (not really creditable considering Mrs Weasley was still quite alive and healthy) that he hadn't been flying anything it was the only likely option. After all the very thought of a man flying around in a suit made of metal was absolutely ridiculous….

Harry did notice Hermione smiling a lot though whenever Ron brought up the subject.


	2. Though she be but little, she is fierce!

AN- un-beta'd enjoy.

**_Chapter 2- Though she be but little, she is fierce!_**

In his line of work it was an undisputed fact what Tony would encounter some terrifying things. But nothing_, nothing_ would ever be able to petrify him, shake him to the bones or turn his blood to ice as much as the sight currently in front of him. A happy, excited, absolutely giddy, leprechauns shat in my cereal this morning, Emma danced across the kitchen floor. His kitchen floor. As if being in his apartment at 3 in the morning was the most natural thing in the whole world. Tony lowered his baseball bat.

"Oh Tony! You're awake!" Emma practically squealed as she launched herself at him, her heavily pregnant stomach stopping her from hugging him properly, so she settled for just awkwardly wrapping her arms around his neck and pecking a kiss to his cheek. Tony hugged her back, glancing around his kitchen with a raised eyebrow as he noticed the ingredients scattered here and there across the counters.

"Emma, what in God's holy name are you doing?" Tony asked, his tone tinged with slight horror as he watched his sister dip a sardine in what appeared to be raw cookie dough before popping it in her mouth and chewing happily. She sighed and repeated the process five times (adding a glob of mayonnaise for apparent good measure) before she answered him, leaning against the counter and grinning cheekily at her younger brother.

"Telmo Sardines" She said, opening another tin of sardines with gusto, eyes sparkling with happiness when one of the doughy and tangy treats found its way to her mouth. Tony stared at her in horror, fighting the urge to gag. Sardines? Well yes, he could tell she was eating sardines (and an assortment of other horrifying delicacies that apparently tasted like chocolate gold to a pregnant woman) but that really didn't answer his question.

"Emma, what are you doing _here? _As in my apartment. That's on the complete opposite side of London to your own_"_ He tried again, leaning against the counter and grabbing the only untouched tub of peanut butter and a spoon. His sister stared at him, a silver spoon dangling from between her lips and her eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

"I told you. Telmo Sardines" She muttered, slurring the s as she sucked on a slice of apple that was coated in God knows what, sticking two underneath her canine teeth and fake growling in her brothers direction as he stared at her blankly.

"Sardines..?" Tony said, more of a question than a statement as he dipped his spoon in his tub of peanut butter, the old chorus of 'If you can't beat them, may as well eat them' echoing in his mind. Except he'd rather eat his shoe then go anywhere near his psycho sister and all the creepy magic concoctions she'd been eating for the past 8 months. He'd probably end up dying of poisoning, or worse _gases._ Seriously though, he was pretty sure his poor niece was busy choking on all the poisonous gas foods his sister had been eating.

"Yes, Sardines. All the shops are closed and we had none in. And since you hardly ever eat them… I thought you wouldn't mind" She beamed at him, a piece of apple skin stuck between her top front molars. Tony stared at it transfixed for a moment, imagining it to be a teeny tiny caterpillar burrowing through her teeth to try and get away from all the food being forcefully fed to it.

"Well what did you expect me to do?" She continued," I was_ dying_ Ant, I could practically hear Hermione crying, 'Feed me. Feed me mommy, please don't forbid me from eating the deliciousness'. And so I did. I wouldn't want to be a terrible mother now would I?"

"I still say you're a terrible mother for calling your daughter that"

"And I still say you're an idiot for not appreciating fine literature" Emma sniffed, wobbling over to a chair to sit down, seemingly done with her food horror as she leant back and smiled happily at her brother. Tony raised an eyebrow, turning his eyes away from the window to look at his sister in amusement.

"Who says I don't appreciate fine literature?"

"Porn books don't count"

"You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe!" Tony said, pointing his finger dramatically at his sister. He flashed her a grin, "Henry the fourth, part two, I do believe?"

Emma stared back unimpressed, her hand rubbing her stomach.

"Yes. Congratulations Tony. You managed to pick up one sentence from all those Shakespeare rants I subjected you to when we were younger"

Tony scowled, putting his jar of peanut butter down as he hoped off the counter, wielding his spoon like a sword while he stalked slowly towards his sister.

"The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool." He pointed his spoon dramatically at his sister before he twirled around on his heel, addressing an invisible audience. Emma snorted.

"My tongue will tell the anger of my heart, or else my heart concealing it will break." He paused dramatically, Emma raising her eyebrow. ""I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow, than a man swear he loves me."

Silence.

"Tony. If that was your attempt at a joke, it was terrible" Emma drawled, laughing at her brother when he pouted at her.

"Thou doth my humour not appreciates"

"Not Shakespeare Tony. Not even English really"

"You speak unskilfully- or, if your knowledge be more, it is much darkened in your malice"  
Emma stared at Tony wide eyed for a moment before she laughed, clamping a hand over her mouth and grinning smugly behind it. Her smile faltered suddenly though, her hand lightly rubbing her stomach when a pain suddenly shot through. Tony began hopping around the kitchen, swinging his spoon dramatically.

"Tony."

"What's done cannot be undone." Tony said seriously, turning away from his sister with a dramatic sigh, "Thou Look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under it."

"Yes. _Anthony_. Great. That makes no sense but great Tony. Now for the love of-"

"_What is love Emmaline?_ Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs, being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes, vex'd a sea nourish'd with lovers' tear-"

"Tony!" Emma yelled, a moment before Tony suddenly slid on the kitchen floor, bellowing rather loudly and grabbing onto the table for support when his barefoot slid through a trail of water. "Tears" he finished quietly, staring down at the floor in horror, then back at Emma. She scowled at him and winced again.

"My water just broke…"

….

"Move! Get out of the way! Dying woman coming through!"

Emma scowled, tightening her hands around the wheelchair arms as she bit her tongue to stop herself from screaming at her brother. Whatever food induced high she'd previously been on had long since vanished, disappearing as her stomach had started being reduced to rubble from the inside out. Her daughter was trying to kill her! Where the damn did all those months of bonding and creepy ass food go when she needed it?!

"Mrs Granger, what on eart is-"  
"Fix it! Now!" Tony practically yelled as he pushed his sister towards her doctor, a frazzled red faced nurse appearing through the doors a few moments later. Dr Palmer stared at her face, then back to the scowling Emma before he slowly looked at Tony. Then, as if a light had been switched on behind his eyes he moved into action. Grabbing the wheelchair arms from Tony he began pushing Emma down the hallway, her moans of pain drowning out Tony's cries of protests as one of the nurses moved to forcefully hold him back.

"What the fucking hell do you-"  
"Only those who Mrs Grangers specifically requested may be in the room with her" The nurse snapped, pushing Tony into a chair even as he kicked and punched and generally tried to cause a ruckus.

"Exactly! I'm her brother and-"  
"She did not specifically ask for you" The nurse shot back, watching Tony wearily a few more moments after he slumped back in the chair with a sigh. A few minutes past and Tony was briefly aware of Hamish running past him, nodding a greeting to which he just stared at blankly before he disappeared into the room where Emma had previously entered. He didn't move until the yelling began.

"Hell is empty and all the devils are here" Tony muttered to himself, leaning his head down between his knees as he closed his eyes and listened to his sisters screams as what would become the longest 48 hours of Tony's life, began.

…O...

Tony had never really liked babies.

They were fat, little blobs of pink flesh whose main existence for living seemed to consist of eating, pooping, screaming and making woman grumpier than usual. They were loud, annoying and caused lots of stress in his experience. Granted it wasn't much but those two babysitting jobs he'd taken when he was younger were in his options more than enough experience to gain options of babies and the stress that came with them.

With that being said it really shouldn't have been as hard as Tony was finding it to pull his eyes away from the baby in his arms. She was just like every other baby he'd ever seen. Round faced and kinda squashy looking with small tufts of hair sticking up at odd angles from her rather pink looking head. Drool dribbled down her chin and every so often she'd make one of the cutest squeaking noises he'd ever heard.

She wasn't like other babies though. She was much prettier than the others. She wasn't as squashy looking and so far hadn't seemed to object to his presence so much as she sucked on his index finger contently. And her eyes were the most beautiful things he'd ever seen with their chocolate orbs and flecks of gold and-

"Tony? Tony! Can I please have my daughter back?" an irritated Emma snapped, glaring angrily at her husband as if this was somehow his fault as Tony only airily waved his hand.

"Shhh. Just...Hang on two seconds"

And with that he went back to cooing over his niece, scrunching his face up and wiggling his eyebrows in an attempt to make the baby laugh. Emma gaped at him for another moment, her jaw practically touching the ground and her eyebrows disappearing into her hairline. She gaped for another few seconds before she turned to her husband. Hamish's eyes widened in panic as he took in his wife's face, the steadily spreading red stain causing him to gulp slightly.

"Tony, please give us back our daughter" Hamish tried again, mentally comparing his brother-in-law to a brick wall that he was repeatedly banging his head against when Tony just ignored him again. A wall that Emma was going to take a sledgehammer to in a moment.

"Tony give me back my fuc-"

The sound of Tony's phone ringing cut off Emma, the 21 year old wincing when the nurse in the room and his sister's eyes instantly flew to him. The nurse tutted in disapproval while Emma tried to lunge forward to grab the baby. Tony just barely dodge her, mostly due to the fact that both he and Emma were trying to be gentle, but he still managed to get to the other side of the room and manage to pick up the phone without disrupting his niece. (Heh, strange that…)

Tony stuck his tongue out at his sister and raised the phone to his ear, balancing it on his shoulder as he continued making faces at the baby.

"Tony speaking-"

"And where the hell do you think you are?" The voice on the other end asked, cold as ice and with the underlying warning tone that was unmistakably one very annoyed, Pepper Potts. Tony's eyebrow furrowed, his hand raising to grab the phone as the other held Hermione more closely.

"At the hospital?" Tony said, the statement coming out as more of a question than a statement as he stared across at Emma with a frown, his sisters expression watching his own as she indicated his phone with a nod of her head. He mouthed 'Pepper' and Emma blinked, her face quickly falling into a mask of shock that perfectly matched the outburst from the other end of the phone.

"What?! Tony are you alright?! What the hell did you do this time?! I swear to God if you got some chick's fathe-"

"Pepper I'm fine, I'm at the hospital for Emma. She went into labour…" Tony said slowly, blinking in confusion when his sister paled and suddenly brought her hand to her ear, making a wiggly motion with her fingers and a really bad growling noise as Tony just stared at her.

"Labour? Emma went into labour? What?! How far in is she?" Pepper asked worriedly from the other end, a large rustling noise coming from the other end. "I'll be there in five. Thank God I'd called you or I would of missed my own goddaughters bi-"

"…She's finished" Tony interrupted slowly, narrowing his eyes when his sister hit her forehead to her palm and shook her head, the growling having turned to silent hisses of 'no'. The sound of things clanking heavily to the floor echoed from the other end.

"She's finished?" Pepper echoed, the anger from earlier having completely disappeared and left her voice blank. "When did the labour finish?"  
"Around four hours ago" Tony said slowly. Emma was making silent strangling motions now, her brown hair falling loose of her pony as she glared murderously at her brother and shook her fists. Hamish cringed as he listened to his brother-in-law's conversation, leaning his elbow against the chair arm and hiding his eyes behind his hand. He knew he should have reminded Emma…

"…Give Emma the phone"  
"What? Why?"  
"Give Emma the phone Tony." Tony shrugged and held out the phone to Emma. Emma stared at him in growing horror, her eyes bugging out her head as she rapidly shook her head no. Tony tried to get her to take it but she glared, giving as hissed "Get rid of her" before she pulled the hospital blankets over her head and refused to come out. Hamish muttered a few choice words under his breath.

"Well would you look at that….sorry Pepper, seems my sisters busy at the moment. She's not in the hospital room. Absolutely nowhere to be seen" Two eyes suddenly appeared in a small blanket hole, glaring daggers that had Tony rolling his eyes.  
Pepper was silent. "Where is she then?"  
Tony stared at Emma a moment, an evil grin curling up the sides of his lips. What could be seen of Emma's eyes widened in horror, a silent moan of pity falling past her lips before she slumped forward. Hamish silently patted her on the back, the gesture having long ago become their universal 'It's Tony, what do you expect' sign.

"In the toilet. Terrible diarrhoea. Doubt she'll be out anytime soon" Tony added when Pepper began to protest. Emma cringed in horror and slumped further down into her safe haven, her middle finger shooting lasers at her silently shaking brother. "I'm gonna kill you" She whisper hissed as she watched Tony grin and shift the baby in his arms before he replied with his own middle fingered salute. Hamish sighed and wondered, just how he'd managed to end up marrying into the family of two of the most immature people he'd ever had the misfortune of meeting. Maybe

Tony, still smirking, carried on talking, "So I'll send her your regards, congratulations and-"  
"Then you'll get your ass down to the front and wait. I'm sending the car around for you to take you to the meeting you're currently supposed to be in" Pepper said, the annoyance at his excuse evident in her tone before a few angry beeps came from the other end. "The car will be there in five. I'm sending a suit with. Get changed"  
Tony groaned. "But Pepper-"

"No buts. Emma's the one who went through labour. Not you"

"Fine" Tony whined, handing his now sleeping niece to her gloating mother. Emma smiled smugly at her brother's scowl, humming gently as she rocked her sleeping daughter back and forth.

"Remember Tony. Be nice"  
"I just went through 48 hours of labour. There's nothing nice about that" Tony muttered, making Pepper snort from the other end. Emma scowled and pulled a tongue as Hamish pointed out that he hadn't needed to stay. Tony waved them both away.

"Well if someone had bothered to tell me my best friend was in labour maybe I could have waited with you"

Tony gaped.

"Are you saying this is my fault?"  
"Yes. Yes I am" Pepper said cheerfully before she hung up, the dialling tone echoing in Tony's ear. Tony turned to stare at Emma. The sibling blinked at each other.

"You forgot didn't you" Emma glared.

"I just went through 48 hours of pushing a baby out my vagina, what's your excuse?"  
"I went through 48 hours of listening to you pushing a baby out your vagina" Tony retorted, throwing a glare at Hamish when he again tried to point out that he'd asked Tony to leave multiple times in said 48 hours. Hamish eventually gave up and went back to staring at his daughter, his brilliantly angled mind probably running at hamster speed as he tried to figure out which lighting would be the best to draw her in, Tony thought snidely as he grabbed his jacket from his chair and walked towards his sister.

Tony ignored his sisters up turned cheek, choosing instead to hover his finger over Hermione's forehead -

And in one movement brought his finger down in an exaggerated poke.

The baby's mouth opened before her eyes did, a yowl of pure anguish breaking forth and echoing throughout the hospital room as she was pulled quite suddenly from her deep sleep. Emma cursed and lunged at her brother, swearing even more profusely as the baby in her lap jostled and screamed louder. Tony laughed and bolted out the doorway, diluting Hamish when the older man just glared at him before he disappeared out the ward and jumped down the stairs.

As Tony loped his way down the hallway he grinned broadly, tipping an imaginary top hat at the receptions as he pushed the front doors open with his back.

Yes he was quite sure him and Hermione would get on great in the future.

….

**A.N- **So as you can see, I've decided to turn this into a one-shot series. Most chapters will be related and follow in chronological order (except for the first one and maybe a few others) and will be in the same universe (again, this may change but will stick in the family zone). All quotes used in Tony and Emma's 'Shakespeare argument' (Tony being dramatic) are from a variety of Shakespeare's works.

Have a good day/ evening and thanks to everyone who reviewed and favourite the first one. Hope you also enjoyed this.

Pip.


	3. Chapter 3- Baby's first Christmas

_**AN**__\- Late? What do you mean late? According to the tree in my sitting room it's totally still Christmas…_

_**Chapter Three- Baby's first Christmas **_

He knew he should have been suspicious as soon as he got the invite. Deep in his gut he should have felt a sense of foreboding, a deep shaken sense that should have revealed the evil of the innocent looking invite. Tony was no evil detector though, and as such he hadn't predicted this situation. In hindsight though- he really should have.

Marissa O'Rorke got louder and louder with each shot of whiskey she took, and when the vodka came out the woman all but lost control of her vocal chords.

"Did you know I'm a size D cup?" Marissa slurred as she slumped against the table across from Tony, bleary eyes staring scarily hawk like at the awkward 21 year old. Tony hummed in response, knowing from the past two years of awkward party encounters with Marissa that it was safer to keep your mouth shut when she began mentioning her bra sizes. He took a sip from his cup of eggnog, eyes desperately scanning the room for an escape before Marissa began her awkward attempts at flirting again. Curse Hamish and his awful attempts at matchmaking.

Speaking of his soon to be dead brother-in-law, Tony's eye narrowed as he looked around the brightly decorated sitting room in search of the Christmas sweater wearing moron. A professionally decorated Christmas tree- How was that even a profession again? - And some not so professional dancers, but no idiot. No Emma either come to think of it.

Tony raised an eyebrow as he searched for his sister, leaning back on his heel and stretching his neck to peer into the kitchen in search of his twin. Nope. A couple making out besides the fridge. But no Emma. Oh how he loved his sister some times.

Turning back to Marissa, Tony plastered on his best concerned face, bringing his eyebrows together and sucking his bottom lip in between his teeth. He hastily decided against this when Marissa's eyes followed the movement, her tongue lightly wetting her own lip.

"Have you seen Emma?"

"Oh yes that sounds quite-"She blinked confused, head tilting slightly and grey eyes bloodshot," Emma? Well no. I haven't seen her since dinner. Why?"

Tony winced, frowning, "Well I'm probably just being silly but…" A spark of genius hit him, "She hasn't been getting a lot of sleep, what with the new baby and all and lately she's been complaining that she hasn't been feeling so well. Fevers, sore throats, vomiting. And I don't just mean occasionally I mean nastily. Chunks everywhere. She doesn't want Hamish to know so she's been swallowing medicine to keep it down and disappearing to the bathroom at whatever chance she gets"

Even as drunk as she was Marissa looked alarmed, eyes wide and mouth open slightly in shock.

"What? Oh my God is she ok? Where is she?" Her eyes quickly swept over the room before she pushed herself up from the table and instantly tripped over her own feet and went flying towards the carpet. Tony caught her on instinct, spinning her back towards the table and settling her in the chair.

"Wow there Marissa, I think you may have had a bit too much to drink. Hey, tell you what. I'll go and make sure Emma's ok and you stay here and" One of Hamish's younger cousins was walking past so Tony quickly grabbed him by the arm and jerked him to the table. "Dustin-"

"John-"

"Joan here will keep you company" He said cheerfully before he quickly fled, disappearing down the hallway and locking himself in the bathroom. He leant against the door with a sigh, rubbing his eyes tiredly and staring at his reflection in the mirror.

"You sir, are too sexy for your own good" He told the reflection as he waggled his eyebrows at it. He waited for a few minutes to make sure the coast was clear before he opened the bathroom door and bolted down the sparsely decorated hallway to Emma's bedroom, nearly tripping over a small side table when he nearly skidded away from the door.

He practically threw the door open and fell into the room, startling his sister who made a grab for her heart as she stared at him in horror.

"Tony!" Emma hissed, turning around to glare at him, "Have you heard of knocking?"

"I have" Tony stated dryly, throwing himself down on the bed and knocking the base with the heel of his foot with a very serious look. Emma sneered and continued burping Hermione.

"What if I'd been naked?!" Emma said, giving Tony a wide eyed look when he snorted.

"I'd have gouged out my eyeballs" He retorted, laying spread eagle as he pulled a tongue out at his niece when she turned around to stare at him, dark eyes serious and eyebrows pulled downwards as she stared at him. Then she turned back to her mother, burped lightly in her face and began screaming.

Emma stared at her daughter in disbelief, her eyes practically shining with betrayal that the dark bags underneath only amplified. Tony stared at his sister in concern, her greasy hair and dark eyes alarming him more than he'd ever admit.

"Emma, when was the last time you got a good night's sleep?" Tony asked watching as Emma hurriedly started humming and rocking the baby, trying her best to try and calm her. The notes were of key and somewhat frayed sounding, as if they'd been hummed so many times in the past three months that the hummer had worn them through.

Tony stared at Emma with is eyebrows drawn tightly. Emma looked as if she was about to start crying along with Hermione.

"Ok. That's it" Tony said, pushing himself up from the bed and standing in front of his sister with his arms open. She stared at him in annoyance, her face rapidly beginning to heat up.

"Tony, I am not in the mood for your hugs or whatever nonsense you're going to try so don't" Emma snapped, the tone of voice making Hermione shriek even louder. "Shhh...come now baby, stop crying. Mama's begging you".

Tony continued holding his arms out, staring at his sister until she slowed her rocking and stared at him in confusion.

"Tony you're not…"

"I am" He said, leaning in to try and pull Hermione away from her mother. Emma held on tight.

"Tony you can't, I'm her mother. It's my job to-"

"It's your job not to drop dead on your feet because you haven't gotten any sleep. Give her here Emma, I'll finish putting her down for her nap. You, go out there and have some fun" He said, making Emma frown.

"But-"

"No buts Emma. I don't think Hamish wants you looking at any but his" Emma glared, her eyes dropping to her daughter then back at him before she made her decision, handing her over with a sigh.

"Fine…But if anything goes wrong you come and call me. Instantly" She added, handing the baby over to her brother. She sneered at herself in the mirror and pulled her hair into a high ponytail, trying to make it look somewhat more presentable.

"You, are too sexy for your own good" Tony told her, making her turn around and give him a stink eyes as he smiled innocently, lightly rocking the crying baby in his arms.

"You, shut up. And Tony, you need to burp her. Please tell me you remember how to do that." Emma said, sparing them another glance before she left the room and closed the door behind her. Hermione's crying instantly stopped. Tony stared at her in disbelief.

"Maybe I've rubbed off on you a bit too much over the past three months…" He muttered, lightly patting the baby's back.

Hermione wrinkled her tiny nose at him, small little hand reaching out to squish his nose as he lifted her up by her armpits and stared at her. She really didn't look too good. Was she sure the baby just needed to be burped and not taken to see some specialist? She looked awfully flushed, all pink faced and holy shit her mouth didn't look at all any better, all gummy and non-toothy. Weren't baby's supposed to have teeth by now? He was quite sure he had teeth at that age and how big could this baby's mouth go? Wider and wider and now he could see the back of her throat and…

A jet of vomit flew from the baby's mouth, splattering across his front and down the top of his shirt.

Tony blinked, his nose wrinkling in disgust as Hermione giggled at him.

"Merry Christmas to you too kid, Merry Christmas to you too"

O/O

**A.N 2**\- So yeah. Sorry this is a few days late (or more than a few…). Christmas in my household is a bit hectic (My mom turns into a Christmas demon, everything has to be perfect or us offspring are tortured) and then I had a whole bunch of appointments with the Doctor and then my friends dragged me along on a hunting trip and…..What? What do you mean Doctor Who and Supernatural aren't valid excuses? PShhhtttt…

So yeah, leave a review if you liked it and if you would like to see something happen or would like to give me a prompt feel free to PM or mention it in a review. Or just hack into my dreams and telepathic link it to me. Your choice. (Though the other two options have higher chances of success)

And once again thanks so much to everyone who review'd, Favorited and followed this. I was absolutely floored by the response.

**Pip**


	4. Chapter 4- First Words

**A.N-** Two in one day...some might say I'm sucking up to you guys.

**Chapter four- First Words (aka The Time Hamish and Emma became alcoholics) **

"Come on Hermione, Mama. Say it. Mama" Emma said, holding her daughters hands as she tried and failed to gnaw at a chocolate chip biscuit.

"No Hermione, Dada. Say Dada" Hamish interrupted, ignoring his wife's scowl as he grinned at his confused looking year old daughter.

"Hamish, according to all books and guides I've consulted on this matter, a baby's first word is generally MAMA and well I do appreciate your contribution to our daughters growth, I do believe your continued in butting of the word Dada is confusing her-"

Hamish smiled thinly at his wife.

"Why Emma dear, I wasn't aware you'd decided to generalise our daughter. She is a Granger though dear, and a Grangers first words are always DADA-"

"Really? I could have sworn your first words were something else" Emma simpered sweetly, giving her narrowed eyed husband her most innocent looking smile. "Something along the lines of 'I'm apparently the parental expert even though I haven't consulted any books what so ever but who cares cause I'm right-"

"That makes absolutely no sense-"

So invested in their argument neither Hamish nor Emma noticed Tony slip in through the kitchen door, his eyes widening in alarm as he looked backwards and forwards between his sister and her husband. He was contemplating the perks of backing out the door and making a grander entrance when Hermione spotted him.

"Tonie" She squealed happily, opening her arms and kicking her little legs as she tried to squirm off the kitchen counter and over to her uncle. Her parents spun around in shock, both turning to look at Tony who squirmed uncomfortably and hugged a back to his chest and awkwardly waved.

"Yo" He coughed, his face that of a child caught red handed in the cookie jar. Emma stared open mouthed and Hamish sputtered, chocking on his saliva. The two of them turned to look at each other in shock.

"Did she just…"

"I'll get the brandy…" Hamish said before he turned and disappeared out the room, his wife soon following after as Tony stared at the back of the two of them in confusion.

"If they reacted like that to my name I don't want to know how they would have reacted to your other word" Tony said as he picked his niece up off the counter, depositing her in his lap and pulling a stuffed owl out the bag in his hand. Hermione squealed and took it from him, nodding her head happily before she said, oh so seriously and oh so wisely.

"Shit"

...

**A/N 2**\- I seriously need to learn how to do those divide things on here... Anyway, sorry both updates are so short. I'll try and make the next one longer.

_Pip_

Review if you liked


	5. Chapter 5- Candy Coated

_**A.N-Ok so originally after posting the last chapter I was going to do a lot of research to make this more canon but after doing so I've decided that with everything I've already posted I've messed up Canon pretty much already (Only slightly. I think). So now this story is just random one-shots with no plot as originally planned. I'm planning on making a more cannon, actual plot driven story with the basic same idea later. Probably. Also for those of you who want to know why it's taking me so long to get these out please check my profile. For those of you who don't really care and are just happy I updated. Enjoy! `**_

_**Chapter 4- Candy Coated**_

Tony cursed and bolted upright, sleep crazed eyes darting frantically around the room as the panicking man tried to figure out just what that god awful noise was. It sounded like the hybrid child of a dying cat and a fire engine's siren combined with-

Oh no, wait it was just a baby.

Flopping down tiredly on the bed Tony groaned, closing his eyes as he settled himself back, content to just close his eyes and let sleep take him. His wife could deal with the baby... He was too damn tired from dealing with the idiots at work to deal with it...

Tony's brow furrowed in confusion though, his nose scrunching up in thought.

Wait...he wasn't married...and the last time he checked he didn't have a kid...

Tony sat up slowly, turning his head to stare blankly at the crib next to his bed. His two year old niece's scrunched up face stared back, watery brown eyes glaring at him as she screeched for all her little lungs were worth.

What the hell?!

Scrambling out of bed Tony cursed as his little toe caught the side table, making him topple forward with a snarl and grab his bare foot, hopping around the room with clenched teeth.

What the hell?!

What the fucking hell?!

What was Hermione doing here? He hadn't picked her up! He'd gone to sleep alone, scans one baby and crib, when he'd gotten home last night.

So, what the bloody hell was going on?!

Hopping over to the crib Tony paused and stared down at his shrieking niece, his eyes crunching in resigned amusement as he leant down to look at her. Tony rested his chin on his arm, dangling his fingers off the edge of the crib bars above Hermione's head. The toddler quieted instantly, staring transfixed at the waving digits.

"Your Mother pulled a drop off again didn't she?" he muttered pulling a face when the toddler gurgled and smiled that gummy smile at him while waving her arms as if to say 'Well Duh, Now pick me up stupid giant'

Tony complied with a smile, carefully supporting his nieces head and tucking his arm underneath her rear as he lifted her from the crib. Hermione clapped happily, reaching out to grab his face between her two chubby hands and smosh his cheeks together. Tony made a kissy noise and Hermione shrieked with laughter, little body practically jumping up and down in his arms. Tony moved his head left sharply, narrowly missing a flailing fist headed straight towards his eyes.

"Wow there squirt, watch the eyes"

Hermione stopped and smiled at him. Her little brown eyes laughed with mischief. Little brat.

Tony made sure she was secured properly on his hip before he left the room, snagging a random shirt (That he hoped was clean) from the doorknob as he walked past. His feet clanked against the stairs as he walked down, holding his niece by her sides in the air and making airplane noises as they made their way down the spiral stairway. Hermione giggled and tried to imitate him, making more of a baby blender noise then the deep rumbles required for an airplane. He nudged the edge of a mouse trap away from the edge of a step with his toe, scowling slightly when he saw that the poison pellet lay untouched.

Tony jumped the last step and made his way into the kitchen, grimacing slightly when he found a neatly folded piece of blue paper standing up sharply on the marble table-top. He picked it up with his left hand, holding it up to Hermione who took it from him and carefully unfolded it, her tongue sticking out the side of her mouth. She stared at it a few moments in what he knew was her imitating the act of reading.

"What does the letter say oh transl-" Quickly he changed his choice of word, knowing she wouldn't yet know what a translator was. "Reader person"

Hermione looked up from the letter and frowned at him when she caught his slip.

"Hermie smart. Not Stupid. Bad Unca Tony" She retorted, folding the letter and crossing her arms as Tony mentally groaned. Why was everyone in this family a stubborn genius again?

Tony stared at Hermione, his mind ticking away as he tried to figure out a way to get the message from her without telling her the word 'translator'. He really didn't feel like having her running around yelling translator at everything again. He'd learnt his lesson when he'd taught her Uranus. He still didn't know who'd been more embarrassed, him, his sister or the poor lady Hermione had kept pointing and repeating her new word at. Wearing a little shit eating grin the entire time that Hamish swore left and right she'd learnt from Tony. Which was ridiculous really. Emma and Him were twins. She got it from her mother. He was innocent in this. Really.

Hmmm...He could always just take it from her. She was barely two, he was twenty-three. He didn't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that he was the one with the heavier body mass. He had nearly been a rocket scientist though, so as such he knew even as the idea flashed across his mind that it would be a terrible idea. Hermione would scream her lungs raw or rip the thing if he did. Maybe he could bribe her? All kids loved sweets right?

Smiling at his genius idea Tony placed Hermione on the counter and then jumped over it, landing and turning on his heel to face Hermione with a flourish.

"I never said you were stupid Hermione. And just to show you how smart I think you are, how about a sweet?" Tony fought off the urge to wince, realising just how pathetic his bribe sounded. Hermione stared back at him, her lips pursed and her expression still mad but he could see her eyes shining with curiosity. He grinned at her. 'Atta girl. He had her now.

Keeping his eyes fixed on his nieces Tony groped blindly behind him, feeling along the edge of the draws for the handle. The metal was cold against his palm, the draw coming out halfway before it got stuck. Hermione raised an eyebrow and Tony felt his smile thin slightly, his finger digging into the top of the draw as desperately hunted for the packet of mints he kept there. Come on. Come on… don't let me loose baby's attention.

He felt the mint powder before he felt his fingers close around the small circular candy, his triumphant yell echoing loudly around the kitchen and sending Hermione squeaking and staring at him wide eyed. Briefly he bemoaned the fact that the stupid rats had managed to rip the mint container open but then he turned to his niece and grinned wickedly. Her eyes were large and slowly she licked her lips.

"How about a trade than?" Tony asked, twirling the little white candy across the spaces between his knuckles and fingers. There wasn't even a flicker of hesitation as Hermione held out the piece of paper, her hand greedily reaching for the sweet. Smiling Tony laid the mint in her palm, grabbed the letter and was just unfolding it to read it when, as Murphy's Law would dictate, his phone rang.

Sighing and mentally wondering just how wicked he must have been in another life, Tony answered the phone with a not so chirpy 'Yes _Pepper_?' He emphasized her name in a low, groan type drawl that he normally reserved only for when he'd just woken up. Or was pretending to be sick.

He could practically hear Pepper roll her eyes on the other end, her sigh echoing down the line before she spoke. "Good morning to you too Tony."

"Hmm… Someone's obviously been at her happy pills again" Tony replied sarcastically, leaning back against the countertop with his elbows, flicking the note open with one hand as he quickly scanned his sisters writing.

Smug little line about how smart she was. Remark about how he slept. Blackmail mention. Blackmail threaten. Instructions on how to take care of Hermione (Tony nearly snorted. As if he needed this anymore. He'd practically turned into Emma's full time nanny over the past few years thank you very much) and oh how nice. Her and Hamish were at a conference in Manhattan again and wouldn't be back until Monday. Gee and not even any mention of how worried they were for any previous plans he had or how sorry she was for just suddenly dropping the toddler off. Nope. Just the usual death threats and blackmail and-

"-Tony, are you getting all this?" Snapping out of his sarcastic trail of thought Tony stared in confusion at Hermione. The toddler stared back, a small little smirk (that he'd totally never seen himself use) on her face as she copied his earlier movements of rolling the mint along her knuckles. Tony raised an eyebrow. The girl was going to be a bloody genius, guaranteed. How soon would it be appropriate to start teaching her how to build and dismantle an engine? Sure he'd built his first engine at seven but with his sister's genes and his awesome teaching skills he was pretty sure he'd be able to get her to do it by thre-

"Tony?!"  
"Huh? Yeah? What?" Tony said distractedly, turning away from where he'd been staring at his niece to look at the still open draw as Pepper began raging at him for never listening.

He was always clowning around. Blah blah blah. Didn't take anything serious. Blah blah blah. He had a meeting with Stane tomorrow- Oh right. Yeah. That's what she wanted him to be taking notes on.

"Uh huh. Uh huh" Tony muttered, balancing the phone on his ear as rooted through the draw for the pen and pad of paper he was pretty sure he kept there. God he really needed to be more organised.

"Remember Tony. Whatever you do don't- I repeat _do not- _go out of your way to antagonise him."  
"I told you already that that wasn't-"  
"Yes it very much was your fault. You practically accused the man of being a psychopath"

"While it's not my fault if I had it on very reliable sources that the man was-"  
"The man's ex-girlfriend is not a reliable source Tony. But anyway, stop side-tracking me-"

Giving up on the pad of paper as he pulled a pen from the draw, Tony hastily dug some old pub bills from the dead cactus plant by the window, listening intently as Pepper once again began carefully detailing his schedule for the next week.

"Unca Tony. Sweet taste nasty" Hermione's voice briefly distracted him from the conversation.

"Just carry on eating it Hermione. It's just a bit dusty" Tony said distractedly. Hurriedly he scrawled the address and instructions that Pepper was reading out to him on the wad of slips in his hand.

"Ok Tony, now I want you to read the instructions I just gave you back to me"

Tony rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically, placing the pen back in the draw. His hands brushed against something cold and metal and he closed his fingers around the mint tin.

"Yes _Mom" _

He pulled his hand out the draw and frowned down at the mint container, turning it this way and that as he watched the light from the morning sun reflect off the plastic wrapping.

"The car will be arriving at-"

Suddenly Tony felt himself go cold, his voice dying in his throat. His vision tunnelled and he turned on his heel and lunged across the counter at Hermione. The girl was frowning down at the half chewed sweet in her hand, her face set in a disgusted grimace as she raised it back towards her lips. Dimly Tony heard the phone clattering to the ground behind him, his heart thudding in his ears as he grabbed Hermione's arms and pulled them away from her mouth, his fingers diving into her mouth as he tried desperately to pull the sweet out of it. The sudden force startled Hermione and she started crying, struggling to pull herself away from her uncle. Somewhere above him, a light bulb burst.

He must have been screaming 'Spit it out!' louder than he thought, because with a gurgled choke Hermione spat the mint out and it went flying, scattering across the floor. Before Tony could see where it came to a stop he'd grabbed the crying girl and was already out the door, his coat half on and his keys jangling in his hands as he ran. And in the static silence that followed, the worried voice of Pepper Pots echoed around the kitchen as the little mint spun. Round and round before it fell with a little click against the kitchen tiles, the small half chewed face of a dying rat coming to rest calmly next to the tin of still fully sealed mints.

* * *

Tony was up and out his seat as soon as he saw the doctor exit the room, his red rimmed eyes hurriedly scanning the older man's face as he waited for the inevitable news that he'd killed his niece. He could see it already. The doctor's mouth forming the damning words, his eyes burning with disgust. Murderer he'd hiss. Killer, He'd snarl. You fed her the poison and now she's-

"- going to be fine"

"Huh?" Tony stared at Dr. Sivinski in wide eyed shock, certain he'd heard him wrong. Dr. Sivinski smiled back tiredly, nodding towards the door.

"If you want to talk to her you may want to go in there now. Heaven knows what will happen when her mother gets here" He said sympathetically, resting his hand briefly against Tony's head as if he was a boy again, before he took off down the hallway. Tony stared after him, looking like a lost puppy for a few minutes before he sighed and hastily rubbed at his eyes, berating himself for being such a pansy. Of course she was alright. The Anticoagulants in it where nowhere near high enough to kill her in the five minutes it had taken them to get to the hospital (Admittedly with probably quite a few speeding laws broken but that was beside the point). She hadn't even started to show signs of the poisoning, so it was quite stupid of him for getting so worked up in such a little amount of-

Whatever rational thoughts, or scientific reasoning he'd been trying to reassure himself with fled as soon as he pushed the door open and set his eyes on his niece. She lay in the middle of the bed with a book propped open on her lap, her small frame dwarfed by the large hospital sheets and the hospital gown. She looked up when he came in, the small smile on her face dropping and her eyes flicking back to her book. After a moment's hesitation, she turned onto her side so that her back was facing the door and she was facing away from him. Tony felt his heart shudder and sink, his throat suddenly feeling heavy as he swallowed. He'd once heard someone say that a child's laughter was one of the happiest sounds on Earth, but their silence was the most terrifying.

"Hey Shortstack" Tony said softly, lowering himself into the chair next to her bed. She kept her back turned to him, a muted silence that was broken only by the whirring of the air con at the end of the room stretching out before them. Tony swallowed again then leaned forward and rested his arms against the bed, ignoring the way she blatantly shifted away from his weight. "So I talked to the Doctor and he's says you're going to be fine. I've called Mommy and she's on her way. Daddy too" Tony said, more to the lump of sheets that covered her back then to the child herself. For a moment he thought he saw her glance at him, but when his head jerked up with a hopeful smile he found her still resentfully staring at the book. His eyes were definitely not burning.

Trying again Tony laughed, "Uncle Tony's a bloody idiot isn't he? Accidentally feeding you rat poison instead of-" The rest of his sentence was cut off by the girl turning around suddenly, her eyes wide and her face pale as she tried to crawl as far away from him as possible, holding the book in front of her as if it was a shield. Tony rose quickly from his chair in alarm, reaching towards Hermione in shock.

"Hermione, are you ok-"  
"Get out!" The near hysterical two year old screamed, raising her arm as if to throw the book at him. Tony backed away quickly, holding his arms up to show her he meant no harm.

"Hermione, please calm down. I-"

"Get out! Tonie make Mione sick! Tonie bad person!" Hermione screamed, this time actually throwing the book at her uncle. Tony ducked just in time, the book smashing against the wall and bursting into confetti that rained down around his head. Hastily Tony ducked out the room, not even trying to hide the tears busy pouring down his face.

Once outside Tony leant against the wall, breathing heavily. _You stupid__** fucking**__ idiot_. He silently screamed at himself, the sound echoing through his head. It was only once he glanced up however, when a stinging sensation sent him spinning and crashing into the wall that he realised the screaming wasn't only in his head. His sister had arrived.

"You are so fucking lucky that my baby's alright" Emma screamed, looking like some type of avenging angel as she towered over her brothers leaning form. "You are never coming near her again! I should have never have trusted you- Why the HELL did I ever trust you? FEEDING a BABY Rat poison? What _barbarian's_ even use that anymore?" Tony winced and fought off the urge to curl his hands around his ears. As if his silent pleas had reached the doctor's ears Dr. Sivinski came rushing around the corner.

"Emmaline Granger!" The older man scolded, stepping in between Tony while he leveled her with a glare. "This is a hospital, not a wrestling match and I- and many others respectfully- would greatly appreciate it if you shut up. I understand you're upset, god knows you have a right to be, but beating your brother senseless isn't going to solve anything. What happened to your 'Never hit unless last resort' policy? " He snapped, making Emma sneer at him before she stormed into her daughter's room, slamming the door behind her.

"What is it with you Starks and causing scenes?" The doctor weakly attempted to joke, but by the time he'd turned around to face Tony the younger man was gone, the doors of the hospital swinging shut down the hallway.

* * *

Tony didn't get any sleep that night. Or the night after that, or the night after that. He screened all his phone calls, ignored all his work and barely remembered to eat. He put all his focus into his project. And all while he worked his niece's terrified voice rang in his head, spurring him on like a wild man. When he made a mistake and accidentally slammed his fingers in the draw he fashioned his own splint out of a pencil and wire that lay around the kitchen. When he made a miscalculation in the programming he cursed and swore like a sailor, holding onto the feeling of rage and guilt as he tried over and over again.

Briefly in his blurred haze of inventing, he thought he'd heard Pepper at the door (Or maybe it had been Rhodey? All voices sounded the same through the sound proofed room he'd locked himself in) but by the time he'd sluggishly pulled himself out of his daze and stumbled to the door whoever had been there before was gone.

It took him two weeks to perfect his creation, two agonising weeks were the media had a field day over the disappearance of Tony Stark. No one knew the really reason he'd shut himself up, his twin sister staying as far away from the Media or anything to do with their father's company as she could. Some said he'd finally gone insane. Other said he'd turned to drink and drugs, the loud noises reported by his neighbours only confirming this ludicrous theory. Pepper denied it. Rhodey denied it. The Media laughed hysterically when Emma Granger refused to comment. But then Tony Stark returned, seemingly just as well and sane as he'd been before his disappearance and the stories crumbled, and disappeared on the wind. A month past, and then another and another and soon the shut up of Tony Stark was forgotten to the scandal of teen celebs and new releases.

The only remaining evidence of his shut in was a parcel that had appeared on Emma's doorstep two weeks after her brother's return, an unsigned note saying it was for her daughter resting lightly on the top. Emma had eyed it suspiciously at first, but then the little girl inside her melted as she'd stared at her brother's familiar handwriting. He'd nearly killed her daughter yes. She had no way forgiven him for it and there was no way he was being allowed near her alone ever again, but what harm could a little parcel do?

Hermione had squealed when she'd seen the parcel, bounding forward and tearing into it excitedly. All the while she babbled and asked when Uncle Tony was coming around again, and if he was still mad at her for throwing the book at him? Emma smiled thinly the whole time as she reassured her daughter that 'No, Uncle Tony's not mad at you' and 'Yes, Uncle Tony will come visit soon'.

When Hermione had pulled the lid off the box she'd stared in confusion at the small wristband and note there, pulling it out carefully before offering it to her mother. Frowning Emma pulled the note from her daughter, her heart dropping to her stomach as she read the shaking writing.

'_Emma. The wristband you'll find inside this box is for Hermione. It's designed specifically to monitor her vital systems and keep an eye on her. A computer Nanny if you want. Please make sure she wears it. Tony'_

It was brisk and straight to the point and Emma could feel her heart break as she read it. Her brother, her smart brilliant, stubborn arse brother had given up so easily. Fighting off the urge to cry Emma smiled at her daughter and helped the little girl fasten the wristband around her wrist, cooing in delight and happiness with her when it lit up with a flare of red light and greeted her with a small, happy voice that sounded suspiciously like a sped up version of her brothers.

Twelve days later, in a nationwide broadcast that played on every screen in every home, Stark Enterprise announced the first ever, highly functioning A.I system. Tony called it J.A.R.V.I.S, arrogantly stating with that shit eating grin of his that it was 'Just a really very intelligent system'. Hermione had cooed and clapped happily, her wristwatch humming contentedly on her arm as she babbled happily about how very smart her uncle was. Emma smiled thinly as she watched her daughter, her eyes lingering on the wristwatch and then flicking back to the screen as she watched her brothers smug face.

Just a really very intelligent system indeed.

* * *

**A.N- annddd I really am not happy with how this came out. I didn't want to keep you guys waiting any longer than you already have so I decided what the hell and I hope you still love it. Just a quick explanation about something that I'm not sure anyone would have picked up on. The original Jarvis was a butler and caretaker of Tony (and by extension Emma in this verse of mine) who in canon when he died Tony created an AI in memory of him. In this version Tony created an AI in memory of him but also a smaller 'Nanny' version (node to the caretaker role) which he's given to Hermione.**

**Review if you enjoyed. Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed previously and if I haven't got back to you yet to thank you I'm so sorry. Life's been hectic.**


	6. In which some mischief is caused

**_Chapter 5- In which some mischief is caused_**

Why was it that whenever he finally managed to get to sleep, some imbecile would screw something up and send the morons at the company running to him for help?

Groaning in annoyance Tony buried his head underneath his pillow, pressing the fabric tightly against his ear as he waited for the phone to stop ringing. The shrill screeching refused to stop Tony groaned in frustration, hand wildly tapping his bedside table as he searched for the screaming mobile. When the small object refused to come out of hiding Tony pushed himself up, staring bewildered at the side table when he couldn't see the phone anywhere. That thing was the size of a freaking brick, how couldn't he see it?! Had it fallen off the table last night? Why on Earth was it so loud then?

Morosely he stared at his table in confusion, his head starting to hurt with the shrill ringing. Then as if a lightbulb had been switched on his sluggish brain remembered that just that afternoon (a mere 5 hours ago his bedside table decided to inform him. Oh he was going to kill whoever was calling him) he'd hooked all mobile connections up to Jarvis.

"Jarvis, answer call" Tony said tiredly into the communicator on his wristwatch, flopping backwards onto his bed with a content sigh. Maybe he could get a few more minutes of sleep before he had to deal with whatever problem there was….that would be lovely…

He was jolted painfully awake when the signal connected, his body hurtling itself into an upright position as a high pitched keening sound burst its way through the speakers. Instantly his hands slammed against his ears. What in Gods holy name was that?! Was this Rhodney's idea of a prank or something?!

"JARVIS! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF, OH GOD MY EARS ARE BLEED-"

"-MR GRANGER PLEA-" Abruptly the call connection was cut off and Tony could hear again, his ears no longer burning from what he realised had been a wailing, anguished woman. Who had apparently thought he was his brother-in-law. What the hell had Hamish done now?!

Hoping that his brother-in-law hadn't decided to cheat on his sister (because if the idiot had Tony would personally hold the bugger down while Emma cut off body parts) Tony cautiously instructed Jarvis to re-dial the number, mentally preparing himself as he heard the dial tone echo around his bedroom. The moment the woman on the other side picked up Tony was ready. Jamming his pillows over his ears Tony hollered as loud as he could, "SHUT UP!"

Abruptly the hollering on the other end cut off, falling down into a hiccupping cough, followed by a few sniffles. Cautiously Tony dropped the pillows from his ears, nodding in satisfaction when relative silence blessed his ears.

"Hello? Miss Wailer, you still there?"

"Mr Granger? Thank God I got a hold of you. It's Terry. Come home. Come home now-"  
Tony frowned, the name Terry sounded familiar… "-Hang on a moment, this isn't-"

"MR GRANGER PLEASE" The wailing increased in volume, "She's doing things! Freaky things and you need to come home now!" A loud banging followed by a whimper came from the other end, "Oh God, Oh God it's going to kill me. I'm going to die. I'm going-"  
Terry. Emma's friend's 15 year old daughter. New babysitter presumably. Tony's stomach began to roll in horror. Hurriedly he began searching for his pants in the vast expanse of his bedroom floor.

"Terry, Terry I need you to calm down and tell me what going on. Where's Hermione?"

"I DON'T KNOW" Terry shrieked on the other end, "AND I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. SHE'S GOING TO KILL ME! OH GOD THE COUCH. THE LOUNGE IS DESTROYED! SHE'S THE DEVIL INCARNATE!"

Tony's arms stilled while slotting through his shirt sleeves. "Now hang on just a moment-"

"YOU GET HOME RIGHT NOW MR GRANGER, RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I'M LEAVING IN FIVE MINUTES!"

Tony swore loudly as the call disconnected. "JARVIS, Hermione's vitals now!"

The two seconds it took Jarvis to run the registry and for Tony to button his shirt was agonising.

"Vitals, unavailable. JARVIB unavailable" Jarvis's voice intones after a few moments, Tony's face paling.

"JARVIS, OPEN THE GATE" Tony hollered, throwing himself bare footed down the stairs and onto his bike in the same breath. Five minutes later the bike was screaming down the highway, swerving in and out amongst angrily honking cars and taxi's as he made his way towards his sister's house.

What the hell had his sister left Hermione with?! Screw keeping his distance. Terry had called him so his sister would just have to deal with it.

He was up and off the bike before it had completely come to a standstill, the bike skidding on the grass in such a way that he knew Pepper would be shrieking at him about paint work and care. The door opened and a brown and green blob nearly barrelled through him, his wide, startled eyes just managing to catch a glimpse of platform shoes and green dyed hair before the black girl disappeared around the corner, her voice ringing shrilly behind her.

"WHERE'S HERMIONE?!" He yelled after her.

"DEMON! DEMON!-"he just managed to hear before she was cut off by the corner wall. Concerned Tony stared after her, before he shook his head, pushing the front door open and taking a step into the flicking hallway. A strand of breath trailed from his lips, fogging the air in front of him. The door swung shut behind him with a loud boom.

"Hermione? Hermione" He called loudly, rubbing his hands up and down his arms as he shuffled his way down the hallway to the kitchen where he knew the heater was located. What had the stupid babysitter been thinking turning the bloody heater off in the middle of freaking winter?!

She probably hadn't though, Tony suddenly realised, jumping the step up to the kitchen and staring at the smudged salt circle in the middle of the floor. An exact copy lay around the circle in- Tony squinted, running his finger through the red substance and sniffing it with a grimace- lipstick and child's toys, all shaky fingers and smudged steps. Bewildered he once again wondered just what exactly Emma had hired. He was starting to suspect some type of druggie. He'd have to talk to Pepper about helping Emma screen babysitters because damnit, he understood both her and Hamish were busy now that their dentistry was taking off (he had the little article about it taped to the fridge thank you very much, right next to picture of Hermione on her trike and the twins graduation photo's) but leaving her child with some psycho (that would probably feed Hermione much worse substance then his little mishap) was just ridiculous.

He was fiddling with the heater dial, tapping it and frowning as the heat slowly began warming up the kitchen when he heard the crash. His hackles rose instantly. Stepping slowly into the hallway Tony craned his neck at the doorway, watching the doorways that lead to the bedrooms and bathrooms.

"Hermione sweetie, it's Uncle Tony! Where are you Shortstacks?" the hallway gaped eerily at him, a wicked grinning creature that cawed in silence. Muttering under his breath about his sister and the probability that she'd cursed the house to kill him Tony walked towards Hermione's door.

"Shortstack? You in here? The weirdo's gone now." Cautiously Tony pushed the door open, a loud creak echoing in the air.

"Hello Uncle Tonie"

Tony whirled around in shock, a very manly scream tearing from his throat before he set his eyes on his niece. The little girl stood at the end of the hallway, beaming excitedly up at him as she hugged Puck the owl to her chest. A little giggle erupted from her chest before she was throwing herself at him, wrapping her arms and legs tightly around his legs as she tried to scale up his body. Tony took a step back to try and steady his step, his worry leaving his body in a chuckling huff.

"Woah Hermione, it's good to see you too but you need to calm down before you accidentally smother me." That seemed to amuse the kid even more because she began laughing even harder, snuggling tighter into his chest when he settled her onto his hip. Awkwardly Puck snuggled under his chin, the metal wired frame digging into his Adam apple.

"I missed you Uncle Tony. Mommy replaced you with a-a witch." Hermione told him seriously, pulling her head up to stare at him seriously in the eye, "Twerry was mean. She wouldn't let me have any ice-cream! Said it was 'unorganic and po-pois-poysonus" Hermione whispered scandalised. "Serious!" She added, nodding with a wrinkled nose when Tony replied with an amused hmm as they walked into the lounge room. He stopped and stared with a raised eyebrow at the 'destroyed' lounge room of neatly tucked coach covers and wooden tables. Hallucinogens. That kid was definitely on Hallucinogens.

Hermione excitedly bounced and babbled excitedly on the coach when Tony deposited her on it, crawling all over Tony's lap as he frowned at the phone sitting on the table. Next to the phone lay a little pad of paper, 'Hamish Granger' written in his sister's cursive writing…with his phone number written under it. Wait though… it wasn't written. Cocking his head to the side in curiosity Tony stared at the little flap of paper stuck under the bottom of Hamish's name. Then his eyes trailed back to his niece's stack of toys and the glue stick sticking out of the top of it. Well…. That all suddenly made sense. He knew he was going to regret teaching her how to paste and hide numbers in books… Today was not that day.

"Hermione Jean Granger, did you purposefully drive off your babysitter?" Tony asked, his amused tone standing at ends with his serious face. Her babble cut off, her eyes widening in faux innocent.

"No" She said, hands coming up to cover her ears in a clear indication of her lie. Tony frowned at this. Oh he'd been gone for too long if his sister had already started brainwashing her daughter into lying badly. At his raised eyebrow she set her jaw and tilted her chin, daring him to scold her as she said in a prissy tone he'd heard Emma use plenty of times. "Yes."

His lips twitched. "Did you change your father's number for mine?"  
"Yes" was said through gritted teeth, her eyes lowering to look at the floor, "Bwut it's all Uncle Tony's fault!" She suddenly exploded, throwing herself at him once again in a tight hug. "He hasn't been visiting Herm'ne! Not even for Herm'ne's birthday, and Herm'ne waited all day with cake for Tony!" She wailed desperately, staring at Tony with tears streaking down her face. Guilt flared brightly in Tony's chest, his mind flashing to the invite he'd gotten in the mail a few weeks back. He'd been in America at the time, setting up meetings with the Army Corps. He'd gotten the invite a day too late and the decision had eaten at his chest. His sister's coldness (which he'd assumed was still from the poisoning) and hanging up suddenly made much more sense. "Herm'ne's missed Tony but Tony wouldn't come visit! Herm'ne's sorry. Don't hate Herm'ne please" The girl was openly sobbing now, hugging Tony tightly, almost as if she was scared that he'd disappear on her. Tony hugged the three-year-old back tightly, making little soothing noises and rocking his body back and forwards as he tried to calm her down.

"Shh Shhh Hermione, come on Shortstacks. Uncle Tony's sorry but he promises he won't do it again. He'll never leave you again hey? How does that sound? I'll come visit more and I promise that at your next birthday I'll make it up to you. I'll get a magician! You like magicians don't you?"

"Herm'ne's a magician" Her voice mumbled softly from his shirt, "Twerry didn't like Herm'nes magic. Called Herm'ne a demon"

Tony scowled at the doorway at this, as if he could see through it and find the running teenager and personally send her to hell with his looks for daring to call his niece such a thing.

"Don't listen to that bitch Hermione. She's… not all there" Tony said cautiously, stiffening as he waited for her to repeat the word. Shallow breathing was his only response and tilting his head back to look at her Tony realised she'd fallen asleep. Reaching to the other side of the couch Tony picked Puck up and tucked him under her arm, blinking in shock as her found JARVIB nestled around the little owls head like a blinking tiara. So that why her vitals hadn't been available, he'd need to fix that if she was going to use it as a doll accessory. First though he should call Emma and Hamish and let them know what was going on, maybe also get that weird circle cleaned up while he was at-

x...x

Emma frowned at the sight in front of her, scratching her closed eyelid with the car key to make sure she wasn't hallucinating.

"You see it too right?" Emma asked her husband over her shoulder, "I haven't just gone delirious with wine and twin separation right?"

"If your delirious, then so am I" Hamish muttered, threading his arms around his wife's waist and resting his head on her shoulder as he watched his daughter raise up and down with each of his brother-in-law's breaths, her hand curled under her chin as she slept contently on his chest.

"What do you think happened?" He asked Emma, kissing her under the ear as she yawned loudly.  
"I don't know and frankly I don't care. It's 12 o'clock and for once in the past 4 months Hermione's sleeping soundly so I'm not complaining"

"What are you planning to do?"

Hmmm…as much as I love your thinking Hamish dear, my brothers in the house and as I said before its 12 o'clock. Not too mentions it's so cold I fear I'd freeze my tits off" Hamish snorted and shook his head in exasperation.

"Don't be lewd love, that's not what I was talking about. I was asking about Tony" He knew she knew he was talking about Tony and was trying to be difficult.

Emma cast him a stink eye, "Like I said before, _it's 12 o'clock"_ She stressed the last bit as if Hamish was an idiot for not getting that before she continued, "I can't exactly kick him out now can I? I mean look how comfortable Hermione is, I wouldn't want to wake her" She paused a moment before she turned around and threaded her arms around his neck, brushing her hands through his dark curly locks. "If Tony stays Hermione won't wake _us_ up tomorrow, we'd be able to sleep till 8"

Hamish's eyes lit up with delight at the notion, his eyes straying past his wife's shoulder to stare at his brother-in-law like he was a godsend.

"You, Mrs Granger, are a genius" Hamish exclaimed softly, leaning down to peck Emma on the lips. Emma leered back smugly, looking quite proud of herself as she pushed away from him and told him to head to their room, giving him and affectionate squeeze on the arse as he turned to go. "Nympho" He hissed over his shoulder before he disappeared down the hallway, her chuckles following after him as she opened the linen cupboard and pulled out one of Hermione's big fluffy owl blankets. Kicking her heels off before the lounge room Emma walked softly in stockinged feet towards the sleeping duo, a small smile curling up her lips as she took in her brother's calm face, void of the superior sneer or leer that had become his default expression in the tabloids and news over the past few months. Leaning down she pushed his hair away from his forehead, planting a kiss first on Hermione's cheek before planting one on Tony's forehead. He stirred briefly, his glazed eyes flicking open to stare at her in confusion, a smile curling up his lips as he sluggishly muttered "Hi" before his eyes slid shut once again.

"Hi Tony" Emma whispered back, tucking the blanket around Hermione and Tony. Her hand lingered on her daughter's face a few moments longer before she pulled back. "This time let's not leave with no goodbye hey little bro?"

And with that said she turned the light off and made her way towards her bedroom, a slight skip in her step and a lightness in her heart.  
...

**An- Do you ever have it where you have a perfect idea of how something's going to go but you you just can't be bothered to do it because your busy with other things? Yeah, this is what happened with this one. Had it planned out since before the last one but I've been mega busy on other things. Three O.C stories each with long standing complex freaking plots because I can't do anything half assesd and like nine different crossover stories that each features a different Hermione. *sigh* For those of you who are waiting for the update for Druxy I nearly, nearly have that chapter finished. I encountered a bit of writers block but have managed to counter it soo whoo for that!**

**There should be only two more in this verse of 'little' Hermione before we do a time skip and the real action starts. **

**Hope everyone enjoyed it. Can't promise when it will next be updated but since I'm currently on holiday and stuck on a 16 hour roadtrip it should be soon. **

**On another note, any one know any good dark Harmony? used to hate the pairing but recently discovered I like it when Harry's a tad bit overpowered. **

**Cherrio's **

**Pip **


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